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17 October 2012 @ 08:52 pm
On my facebook, I posted a status. I said that I have experienced a lot of beauty and that, for this, I was blessed. And this is true. But I was talking about art. And things that could be inspiration for art if I was smart enough to do anything about anything.

I don't expect this update to have anything coming close to any real structure. I just need to vent. And I need at least some eyes to see it, but not the Facebook kind of seeing. I'm not looking for comments or anything. I just need to get rid of some things.

I made a really bad decision about two years ago and ever since, I have not been able to get back on track. I have had opportunities; probably more than most. But no real forward motion. Perhaps, a fair amount of introspection, but that's only worth so much.

Two years ago, I left Apple and moved out of an apartment I loved. I was going to try something new. I probably could have tried that new thing where I was. I probably could have figured something out to stay there. But, I was scared and needed change, so I acted rashly. Nothing has been easy since. Which is funny, because at first, everything in Austin was easy. I got work easily. I was doing better than I ever had in my life. And since then, not so much. It almost feels like I've been punishing myself for that decision ever since.

And I have no idea how to fix it.

Well, not right now, anyway.

I've had miserable roommate experiences since then and all I want in the world is my own space.

And the energy to write.

I don't expect sympathy. I did this to myself. I just needed to say something. Although, I only touched on how I feel right now.
E. Quivocate: morphiemorphie on October 18th, 2012 03:00 pm (UTC)
See, the thing is, I think that somewhere deep in my subconscious I think I deserve the ick I've felt for the last two years, because I made such a stupid decision. And I say to myself that I need to forgive myself. But, I can't, yet. And this is ultimately problematic. And I need to find a way through it.
the houri in a handbasketnalidoll on October 18th, 2012 03:11 pm (UTC)
The first step to "fixing" it is to stop worrying about how you got here. You made choices. Things happened. Think of it as having explored a side-road, rather than taking a wrong turn. And then pick up and take even just one step in the direction you want to go.

I know I always make things sound like they're simple, when there are a lot of little details and complications. But each one step *is* simple; complications are just a lot of little simple things happening close together. The biggest thing is to be *taking* steps.

And if you aren't sure what all steps you need, or what direction to aim for... then your first step is sitting down and thinking about that. Writing down what you want. Writing down what you have. Seeing how much distance, and which possible obstacles, lie in between those things. *Doing*. Breathing. Believing.
E. Quivocate: morphiemorphie on October 18th, 2012 04:34 pm (UTC)