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E. Quivocate
21 June 2013 @ 10:54 pm
Facebook is not a good enough outlet.

But, I keep myself from writing here because the audience I used to have no longer exists--which really is a laugh, because I just recently scanned through this lj in its entirety looking for poems. And SO often I would comment on how I was screaming into the void.

So, fuck it. Here I am again for what it's worth.
E. Quivocate
17 January 2013 @ 05:31 am
My mom and I were fighting. Something about me not living up to my responsibilities. I went to bed. I woke up just a little while later and all these storage boxes were on my bed, opened with various contents strewn across the bedding. The lights were on. I wandered around. It was our house in New York, but much more beautiful. I found my mom in the second floor hallway. I started yelling at her about waking me up. She turned to me and I realized her cheek was caved in. Just one side of her face. I took her to her room and had her sit in this beautiful burgundy satin brocade wingback chair. She was mumbling and incoherent. I cried and told her how much I loved her and missed her.

Awake. Sad.

I call it reverse insomnia. I sleep for a few hours and wake up, unable to fall back asleep. I will fight it for a while. That never works. I will involve myself in something (like now) and start to feel too tired to finish the task.

I intend to write more often. I intend to do a lot of things.
E. Quivocate
17 October 2012 @ 08:52 pm
On my facebook, I posted a status. I said that I have experienced a lot of beauty and that, for this, I was blessed. And this is true. But I was talking about art. And things that could be inspiration for art if I was smart enough to do anything about anything.

I don't expect this update to have anything coming close to any real structure. I just need to vent. And I need at least some eyes to see it, but not the Facebook kind of seeing. I'm not looking for comments or anything. I just need to get rid of some things.

I made a really bad decision about two years ago and ever since, I have not been able to get back on track. I have had opportunities; probably more than most. But no real forward motion. Perhaps, a fair amount of introspection, but that's only worth so much.

Two years ago, I left Apple and moved out of an apartment I loved. I was going to try something new. I probably could have tried that new thing where I was. I probably could have figured something out to stay there. But, I was scared and needed change, so I acted rashly. Nothing has been easy since. Which is funny, because at first, everything in Austin was easy. I got work easily. I was doing better than I ever had in my life. And since then, not so much. It almost feels like I've been punishing myself for that decision ever since.

And I have no idea how to fix it.

Well, not right now, anyway.

I've had miserable roommate experiences since then and all I want in the world is my own space.

And the energy to write.

I don't expect sympathy. I did this to myself. I just needed to say something. Although, I only touched on how I feel right now.
E. Quivocate
17 March 2012 @ 03:06 pm
Things I accomplished yesterday:
Self: I read a lot I walked. I had a nice lunch with a friend and I went to Half Price Books
Projects:I read quite a bit in both The Artist's Way and the music theory book I am reading. I went to Half Price to buy more books about the Hero's Journey (one froma woman's point of view)

Things I will accomplish today:
Work:Nothing til Monday.
Self: Eat well. Dance or walk. Drink at least 3 large cups of water. Avoid guilt and anger.
Projects: Read more in both books. Hopefully move on to the next music theory book. Outline Act I of main Proejct
E. Quivocate
16 March 2012 @ 11:19 am
Things I accomplished yesterday:
Self: I enjoyed a quiet birthday and read a lot
Projects:I read quite a bit in both The Artist's Way and the music theory book I am reading.

Things I will accomplish today:
Self: Eat well. Dance or walk. Drink at least 3 large cups of water. Avoid guilt and anger.
Projects: Read more in both books. Hopefully move on to the next music theory book.
E. Quivocate
03 February 2012 @ 08:59 am
A dear friend is doing a daily accountability/goals project. I ahve decided to use my lj to do this as well. I probably won't do much more than that here, and if it's annoying, well, delete me. I still refuse to make posts private.

The categories I see so far:

Work: setting up and maintaining the business.
Self: Personal goals, like exercise and weight-loss.
Projects: yeah, those...

Okay so,

Things I accomplished today (yesterday):
Work:I finally got back to some real programming issues on the site.
Self: I ate a little better than I have been and I walked.
Projects:I asked Daniel flat-out if he really wants to work on a musical with me. He said he does and he also want to do a jazz duo. I played with a few songs for said idea. I also worked with a character sketch for said musical.

Things I will accomplished tomorrow (today):
Work:Finish at least 80% of the to do list with the exception of actual music composition: all content pages, news module, tos and eula formatting, issue with wav downloads.
Self: Eat well. Dance or walk. drink at least 3 green cups of water. Avoid guilt and anger. Work on 12 month plan.
Projects:Work on treatments for both Owen & Izzy and the new project. Do some jazz and technical exercises.
E. Quivocate
10 September 2011 @ 08:02 pm
Here I am again.

Trying to rebuild.

I think it's time to let go of the phoenix as a totem. I tire of ashes in my hair.
E. Quivocate
07 September 2011 @ 08:59 am
I had a dream that I had the means to make everyone I know and love happy. I woke up and everything was just the same.

It was a nice dream.
E. Quivocate
25 December 2010 @ 07:31 pm
In a recent experience with a boy, I told him he was being unfair. He proceeded to tell me that Life is Unfair. I should have responded to that directly. I didn't have an opportunity. He would not listen to me.

I will comment here, as I need a history of this thought process.

It is true. Life is unfair. Absolutely. But people don't need to be. That's a choice. People can choose to act and react as they want to. People can consider feelings. People can prioritize needs.

I was watching a documentary with Joseph Campbell. He was describing the psyche. And he talked of the self as a dot in the bottom of a circle below a line that expressed consciousness. And the Ego was above the line in a square. He explained that the square represents buildings, our desire to create things non-organic, against the flow of nature. And it seems to me that choice is the square. We can choose to go against the basic nature that Life is Unfair.

So, to be a person means to take responsibility. To build your box.

And not blame Nature when you can't deal with the repercussions of your decisions.
E. Quivocate
24 December 2010 @ 09:26 pm
Just broke through the barrier that kept me from understanding how the first act of my main project should work.

Now, I just need to write it.